Charlie, the chainsaw the wood and the pillock

I have decided that any story that contains something to do with where I live, is A French Affair, not because I am having one or indeed that i would like to have one, but it has to do with my affair with the country I live in and so has this fallen tree. Apart from vinyards, David's house is surrounded by forest, pines and oak mainly, I beleive this is part of the forest of Tarradeau and was badly burned down in a cruel fire about 12 years ago, and is amazingly ressurecting itself the trees are now way above my head. I love this natural sculpture, I wonder how much they would pay to have it in the Tate Modern, I am not bringing my chainsaw to this rotton trunk, it is too perfect to touch.

So, now back to the story, frustrated with David the wood pile and myself, I decided to phone Charlie, the man who does it all, the Zen Buddist who knows no limitation, has no limitations and knows how to do everything perfectly, well at least that is what he said, he was certainly not lacking in knowledge and know how, infact he came with an inbuilt certificate that said he Charlie was the Master of all Chainsaws, well who could refuse such fine chainsaw attributes, not me, he was the man for the job. I could not wait to get him started. He arrived on his bike, here, the very next day. Whoopee, glory be a nice neat wood pile would be for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I told Charlie what I would like him to do, mainly just to tidy it up and pile it neatly and to saw some of the old wood to make it usable for the fire. I then had to go to work for the next two days to earn the money in order to pay him. I would not return until the following evening. I left with a kind of smug satisfaction that I was getting a good job done and that we would all be happy.

Oh dear, that was a very silly thought. I came back the following evening. David was fuming, Charlie was dashing home on his bike, just wanted his money, and ran, what was the matter. Charlie had gone chainsaw mad, he had had a go at everything old antiques, wood that I had told him not to touch he had let himself go uncontrollably on all wood with in sight. He had not only used my chainsaw, and broken it but David's as well, and had broken that and he had used one of David's special saws for furniture making. Well twas no wonder why David was cross, he only told me recently about his special saw. Still, when I confronted Charlie about it, he told me what a fine job he had done and that there was nothing wrong with the chainsaw's and that David obvioulsy knew nothing about them!!!!. You can imagine, quite how low I felt after this, no more smuggly smiles and smirkey truimphant thoughts of finally having control of the wood pile. It was an utter disaster, and not only had Charlie broken three of our machines, only a small percentage of the wood that he cut was actually of a size that could be put on the fire. So we still have to use the chainsaws and we had to spend a pretty sum to get them mended. This is where the Pillock comes in.